Keep Fighting. Period.
Everything was falling apart.
I got off my bike and it was dead quiet. I had just finished the individual time trial at the Giro Rosa and, I knew it wasn’t my best day, but was it really that bad? Being met with silence from my team affirmed my worst fears. I had finished three minutes off the pace, out of the top ten, and it was a really hard pill to swallow. At the biggest stage race of the season, as my teammates sacrificed themselves for me, I just couldn’t deliver. I rode back to the team bus, taking that silence with me.
Image: Jojo Harper
I started to spiral. I’ve had tons of bad races but this felt like more. My period had arrived early, leaving me feeling completely flat and in pain. I had strange and severe stomach pain that was keeping me up at night. Even my skin was sensitive to touch. I couldn’t eat and I didn’t want to. I knew it wasn’t true but it felt like everyone else was having a perfect race while mine was a disaster. Nothing was going right this season, it was just obstacle after set back after bad luck, and now, as I slid down the GC from 3rd to 9th, I felt completely disheartened.
Of course, all of this was also happening in front of an audience. My teammates, the peloton, friends, family, and fans were all seeing me struggle and so the messages started. What was happening and why, I still wasn’t sure, but the support messages were clear: I had to find a way to keep fighting.
I made it through the next two stages, getting dropped, clawing back, and fighting for every single pedal stroke. Every time an attack went or the pace surged, I couldn’t draw on my physical abilities like I was used to. I had to really dig deep into my experience to keep it together. My mum called to remind me how I had overcome an eating disorder, a serious head injury and a hip fracture. My husband, who was thankfully there by my side, kept reminding me what I was normally capable of and what we had accomplished, although, really, just his presence was a source of strength. My team was incredibly supportive, fully understanding how much impact your period can have on performance, let alone stomach issues. My phone was also constantly beeping with encouragement from fans through messages on social media. I didn’t have the physical power but I was constantly reminded that I did have the strength.
Image: Sean Hardy
By Stage 9, the Queen Stage, the team doctor had helped get my stomach under control and I was over the worst of my period. I started to feel like myself again and Montasio, the big mountain top finish, was my chance to prove it. It was against the odds and the top riders in the world but, finally, my guts were saying let’s go for it.
The stage played out exactly as predicted. We hit Montasio and Annemiek van Vleuten attacked. All the favourites respond and—hallelujah—so did my legs. Anna van der Breggen, Lucinda Brand, Amanda Spratt and I chased hard. As we caught Annemiek, the pace was…you can’t even believe! I knew it was impossible to keep that power going without blowing up and, after Lucinda dropped off, so did I. Moments later, Amanda did too. While Annemiek and Anna powered on, I set my sights on chasing down Amanda.
I bridged to her strong and steady and as we hit the steep part together, I tried my best to get rid of her. I couldn’t shake her so when we hit the flat section, I slammed my gears into the big blade and punched the speed. I escaped from Amanda, crossed the line for 3rd on the stage, 4th in the GC, and I had never felt so relieved.
I received lots of messages after Stage 9. The messages that recognized my low along with my stage podium were the ones that stayed with me. The people who noticed me struggle, saw me fight, and how I turned it around from such a low place, had seen something that felt vulnerable to me. The exposure of my difficulties had demonstrated, even to myself, a strength that went beyond watts and bikes.
Image: Anton Vos
We all go into big races as prepared as possible but reality constantly shows us that races, seasons, and life never go to plan. The lesson, however, isn’t that life is unpredictable but that we can be resilient and rise above whatever challenges come our way. I’ve learned that lesson over and over again but, still, I keep learning it because as we rise, the difficulty of our challenges rise with us. It never gets easier but our capacity to handle what we once thought impossible is unfailing if we have faith in our fighting spirit.
Join Ashleigh at the Harvest Tour
Peaks and Perks
California knows how to party. It was the queen stage of the Tour of California which meant it was all uphill for the final 45km with an amazing summit finish on Mt. Baldy. It also meant there was a cookie corner on one of the switchbacks—literally a corner on the race course where very enthusiastic fans were handing out chocolate chip cookies! Racing in the USA definitely has its perks.
Image: Jeff Clark
I knew the second stage was going to be the stage for me. The first stage had been nervous with strong winds and, to be honest, I was feeling a little flat having just come off some altitude and the set-back of my crash at Amstel. The impact on my sacrum was worse than just a hard landing and the doctor had recommended a few weeks off the bike. Not ideal but the Tour of California, a new race for me, was the perfect place for a new beginning and the start of my summer racing.
We hit the bottom of Mt. Baldy and Katie Hall was the first to accelerate. I wasn’t going to jump. My gut told me the best thing to do was to stick to my own hard tempo. More attacks came from Kasia and Anna, me following in tow, as the bunch was left behind and the break was eventually caught. Anna eventually joined her teammate Katie while Kasia slid back, leaving me on my own.
Image: Jeff Clark
“Steady, stick to your tempo,” I reaffirmed to myself. I was clawing Anna and Katie in, getting the gap down to 14 seconds, but as the gradient at the top backed off, I could only focus on maintaining my position. I crossed the line finishing in third place on the stage and moving up to third on the general classification. Since I had almost cancelled my trip to the USA, I was beyond happy: happy with my race strategy, happy with my physical performance, happy to have a podium, and happy that I managed to grab a chocolate chip cookie from the cookie corner on the way back down the mountain. It was a great day.
The final stage was really aggressive with a really exciting performance from Paulina. I wish there was television coverage so people could have watched how she lit up the race and almost stole the entire show had it not been for the long downhill to the finish. Still, thanks to her efforts, I managed to finish in the small bunch to hold my third overall and get CCC-Liv on the final podium.
Image: Jeff Clark
When I returned to the team car after prize giving, as if finishing on the podium wasn’t enough, I discovered some fan had made me brownies. I mentioned at the Mt. Baldy prize giving that I loved chocolate brownies and I couldn’t believe someone had taken the time and care to deliver brownies to the team. I couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear. The enthusiasm and hospitality of the USA was exactly what I needed. I was leaving the Tour of California with a renewed sense of confidence in my performance, a fresh excitement for the rest of the season, and the desire to come back and race in California next year. Then again, maybe it was just the brownie talking. Yep, they were that good!